Everyone is a little insane
by ViVi222
Summary: Random drabbles about people from Death Note and the way they think or see things...Very crack-esq. Rated M for language.
1. The Shape

**A/N: Okay so I was bored and can't think of what to write next in Changes so I wrote some crack that was inspired by the c.d. Iowa by Slipkont. (I put the lyrics for the song _The Shape_ at the end so you can just ignore them) May be ooc, I really don't care (Near is talking to a dead person after all) There is probably more crack to come...oh and spellcheck wasn't working on here or online so some errors may have occured..i'm sorries! (I do Not own Death Note or Slipknot)**

* * *

Near: "So you want me to explain the way I think? To tell people about myself?"

L: "Yes, thats percisly what I want you to do."

Near: "Why?"

L: "Because no one gets you Near."

Near: "I like it that way."

L: "Near..."

Near: "Where did you get this idea from anyways?"

L: "I was listening to a cd and noticed all the songs reminded me of you guys."

Near: "What cd?"

L: "Thats not important."

Near: "Tell me or I wont do it."

L: *sighs* "Slipknot, Iowa."

Near: "_You_ were listening to Slipknot?"

L: "Just do it."

Near: "Which song reminded you of me?"

L: "Near..."

Near: "Tell me."

L: "Fine. The Shape. Now please start."

Near: "...Fine."

* * *

So since the illustrius L has commanded me to tell you about myself against my wishes here it goes...

I am Near. I was born Nate River. I have no idea where I was born or who my parents were. Never bothered to find out either. I believe Roger mentioned something about the three sucessors to L all being from the U.S. once, but i'm really not sure. I tend to ignore Roger.

I tend to ignore everyone.

Except L aparently...why am I not ignoring you?

L: Just keep going.

*sigh* Fine.

Everyone thinks I'm emotionless. They're wrong. I have emotions. I feel amused, angry, irritated...Okay so I don't have _a lot_ of emotions, but I do have them.

I even cried once. Just once. It was right after Mello left Wammy's.

I didn't like how I felt when I cried, so I never did it again. It was pointless anyways. What is the purpose of crying? From my one experience it just makes you feel worse. Who would want to feel worse?

I told Matt I was sorry. He said I wasn't sorry and that I shouldnt pretend, that I was no good at faking that emotion. I told him he was right, I wasn't sorry.

I really wasn't.

I wasn't happy either though. I was completely indifrent. Atleast at that moment.

It wasn't until three days later that I actually was sorry that Mello had left. As annoying as his little (or not so little, I suppose it depends on who you talk to) rivelry was, I missed the short tempered, chocolate obsessed, violent, blonde.

Mello was a key piece in my game. Don't ask me to explain the game to you, because honestly even I don't know how it works. But it's a game none the less.

Everything is a game.

Mello knew that too.

Matt left shortly after Mello did. That actually made me a little sad. Another piece in my game had left me.

I was running out of peices and it made the moves harder. I had to think more. It was giving me headaches. I didnt like that either.

Mello and Matt were my entertainement, my clues (Mello talked way to much, never realised I was _actually_ listening), they kept me grounded. They were my emotions. They were mine.

I don't have friends persay, I have people I collect. People that become mine.

I suppose that sounds horrible, but it's just how I work.

Once Matt told me I was like a Vulcan after I said something was illogical. That amused me to no end. See...emotion.

I will never feel love (who would want to anyways? Everyone I have ever seen that loved someone ended up hurt), I will never feel embarassment, I will never feel sympathy, I will never feel dread. I could keep naming emotions that I would never feel, but there really is no point, now is there? You either understand by now or you don't.

You probably don't. Oh well.

* * *

Near: Can I be done now?

L: No.

Near: I'm glad your dead.

.

.

.

L: Near?

.

.

.

L: Near? What are you doing?

Near: Ignoring you.

L: Near...

Near: Looking up the lyrics to that song.

L: NEAR!

Near: I don't want to do this anymore. Go bug Mello, he'll be thrilled.

L: ...Fine, if thats how you feel, I will.

Near: Good.

*Near posts lyrics and smiles creepily*

_Too tragic to stay with you _  
_Too static to try for you _  
_These scars, they swallow hard_  
_The part of the past that's hollow and dark _  
_Too horrid to kill for you _  
_Too sordid to die with you _  
_Unstable as always, come down _  
_Everything else is just dust and sound _

_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)_

_I'd give it all away, come take it all away _  
_You can't resent the fear _  
_Somebody tell me how I got here _  
_I'd give it all to you, come take it, it's all for you _  
_The noise is so damn loud, but _  
_Everything else is just dust and sound _

_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEPARATE (I've lost my only way) _  
_SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)_

_I don't wanna do this anymore _  
_Everything's shit - everything's been taken _  
_Forsaken - gotta start it over cuz I'm hearing it _  
_Backwards - DON'T make sense - DON'T feel better _  
_Who's better? It's not that simple _  
_You gotta figure it out before you make things difficult _  
_It's not a word, it's a problem, the problem was easy _  
_Draw your conclusions - solutions? _  
_Anybody else wanna run? _  
_Contorting, distorting - I am undone _  
_One less propaganda nightmare fixture _  
_Are you getting the picture?_


	2. People equal Shit

__

**A/N: Second installment in my little crack series. I'm in a bad mood today so I decided to write Mello :P Spell check still isn't working, deal with it. Wow i'm really not a nice person when i'm feeling pissy. Enjoy my angry angsty crack, or not. I'm not really careing at the moment. Rated M for Mello's potty mouth and my bad attitude. I don't own Slipknot, Death Note, or a Death Note, and you should all be very thankfull for that right now.**

* * *

L: "Mello?"

Mello: "Fuck you L."

L: "Mello! Language! You do not usually speak in such ways to me, what's wrong?"

Mello: "Near already talked to me. Why am I second, _again_?"

L: "Well that would be because Near was closer."

Mello: "That's no excuse! I'm sick of always being second to that freak! I'm not doing it!"

L: "Please?"

Mello: "Why? What's so important about the inner workings of my mind that you just have to know?"

L: "I already know how your mind works Mello, it's so that others can know how you work as well."

Mello: "Fuck the others, I don't give a shit about them. Kira can go and off them all for all I care."

L: "Mello you are not being very nice right now."

Mello: "Oh really? For a genius you're pretty slow."

L: "....Mello stop being so angry please. I did not do it to upset you. Near was just closer so the logical thing for me to do was to ask him first."

Mello: "Logic is overreated."

L: *sigh* "I have a gift for you."

(Mello peers at L curiously)

Mello: "What kind of gift?"

(L holds out gift)

L: "A carton of Dove unconditional chocolate ice cream. Dove chocolate ice cream with chunks of Dove chocolate and a layer of Dove chocolate ganish. It is quite delicious. I also have a spoon."

(Mello snatches ice cream and spoon excitedly.)

Mello: "Mmmmm (shovels chocolate ice cream into mouth)"

L: "So does this mean you will do it?"

Mello:"I'm still mad at you. What's the song that reminds you of me anyways?"

L: "People = Shit."

(Mello laughes hysterically)

Mello: "Why the hell not? You did give me delicious chocolate ice cream...and nothing to Near." (Evil satisfied grin.)

* * *

My real name is Mihael Keehl, guess it really doesn't matter if I tell you that since those damn Japanese cops already know it.

I was born in Germany, you hear that Near? Ger-Ma-Ny. Only Matt is from the U.S. you idiot.

*Near responds from the next room* "Whatever, I said I didn't really pay much attention to that stuff."

Anyways...(shoots dirty look in Near's direction) My alias is Mello, which you should know. I chose it because of my little sister. She couldn't say my name right, she was hardly two after all, and what she did call me sounded like Mello. So if you ever wondered where the hell I got a weird alias like Mello from, you know now. Feel special.

My baby sister and parents were killed when our house burnt down just before I turned eight. I was away at school at the time. It sucked. I mean I wasn't that close to them, being away at a Catholic school half my life, but they were still my family. A few days after their deaths Watari showed up at the school and took me to Wammy's house, where I eventually became one of L's sucessors.

I'm smart. Really smart. I always had the best grades at my old school. It wasn't until I met that little freak Near that my grades became second best. What the fuck is with that anyways?

* * *

*Looks at L* "My ice cream is almost all gone."

L: "Maybe you shouldn't of eaten it so fast."

Mello: "Maybe you should of gotten me more ice cream."

L: "I'll give you a Godiva chocolate brownie if you continue."

Mello: "Promiss?"

L: "Yes, I promiss."

Mello: "Okay, i'll keep going, but I swear to God L if you break _this_ promiss, I WILL kick your dead ass. We all know how well you keep your promiss's to me."

* L looks away, rubbing the back of his neck.*

* * *

Let's see. I left Wammy's house after L broke his promiss to me and DIED, dumb fuck. I let that twit Near take the title of L. I mean, there was NO WAY in hell I was going to work with Near. The brat treats everyone like they're pieces in a game. I am not a fucking game piece, thank you very much.

I think I broke Matt's heart when I left him there, but I couldn't bring him with me. We were only fourteen and I had no idea what I was going to do. I was just pissed and done with doing shit their way.

I was sick of being grouped with Near. That kid has no emotions. I can't even remember how many times I kicked his ass and he didn't even cry. He didn't react at all! Even when we found out L died, all he did was basically say L was a loser. Which pissed me off even more by the way.

Then he was all nonchalant about working together with me...ugh, i'm done talking about that freak.

Anyways, I went to America. They always said it was the land of oppertunities, and man were they right. I decided I needed power, people to do my bidding, ways to get information. I decided I needed to be in the moffia.

About a year after I left the home I started working my way up the ranks of the mob, starting at the top. They were arragent and most of the guys on top got there due to muscle not brains. It didn't take much to get rid of them. I don't have any quelms about killing. I do what needs to be done in order for me to acheive my goals.

Once I got high enough in the ranks I contacted Matt. I knew he left shortly after I did, and I had been keeping tabs on him the whole time. Matt can be a little goofy at time, needs someone to watch his ass, which I enjoy doing immensly...

* * *

* Looks at L again.* "I'm out of ice cream. Where is my Godiva brownie?"

L: "Well I would have to go get it."

Mello: "Why didn't you do that while I was talking?"

L: "Because I wanted to hear what you had to say. I didn't know what you did after my untimely demise. I was dead, remember?"

Mello: "Whatever. Go get my brownie. I'm not saying another damn word until I have it in my hand. I also want more Dove chocolate ice cream."

L: "Mello, more ice cream was not part of the deal."

Mello: "Well I'm changing the deal."

L: "You have been in the mob for too long Mello-kun."

Mello: "And you spent to much time in Japan if you're calling me Mello-kun."

L: "I suppose I did spend quite a bit of time in Japan."

Mello: "Where's my damn brownie?"

L: *sigh* "I will go get it for you now, just like I promissed."

Mello: "Damn streight you will."

Mello: "Hey Matt?"

Matt: "Yeah?"

Mello:"Look up those lyrics for me. I haven't heard that song in forever."

Matt: "Got it."

_Here we go again motherfucker!  
Come on down, and see the idiot right here  
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care  
What's the matter with calamity anyway?  
Right? Get the fuck outta my face  
Understand that i can't feel anything  
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay  
I feel like a wound, like I got a fuckin'  
Gun against my head, you live when I'm dead_

One more time, mother fucker

Everybody hates me now, so fuck it  
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I  
Don't know why, I'm not afraid to cry  
But that's none of your business  
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?  
Spin it around so i can spit in its face  
I wanna leave without a trace  
Cause I don't wanna die in this place

People = Shit (x4)  
People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)  
People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)  
People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)  
People = Shit

It never stops - you can't be everything to everyone  
Contagion I'm sitting at the side of Satan  
What do you want from me?  
They never told me the failure I was meant to be  
Overdo it - don't tell me you blew it  
Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it  
I'M - NOT - LIKE - YOU - I - JUST - FUCK - UP

__

C'mon mother fucker, everybody has to die  
C'mon mother fucker, everybody has to die

_Repeat chours_

And their RIGHT!

* * *

**Think L knows something Mello doesn't? My guess is yes. Despite my horrible mood I hope you enjoyed my crack.**


	3. Left Behind

**A/N: So here is the third installment of my crack series...I hope you enjoy it lol. If you guys like it I may do ones for BB, L, Light, and maybe Misa (but maybe not. She's really stupid and I just can't bring my intelegance down to her level) Please R&R and let me know what you think! I love reading them! They make me smile and laugh, which is rare (ask my friends) I really hope you enjoy, and yes, eventually I will add another chapter the Changes (Holli) and will finish Road Trip from Hell :P I'm also working on a Naruto story with Smile-Evily...so that should be up soon. (What can I say? I'm A.D.D. as all hell and have to be working on 5 stories at once or i'm not happy) Once again I do not own Death Note or Slipknot.**

* * *

Mello: "Hey Matt?"

Matt: "Hmm?"

Mello: "It's your turn."

Matt: *click click click* "Huh?"

Mello: "Matt! Stop playing that fucking game for two seconds!"

Matt: *Sets down game* "Did you want something?"

Mello: "I'm going to kill you one of these days."

Matt: "I have no doubts about that, what did you want?"

Mello: "It's your turn to say stuff about yourself."

Matt: "I don't want to, and besides L isn't back yet. That was his whole deal, not yours."

Mello: "I don't care if you want to or not, you're doing it."

Matt: "Oh really?"

Mello: "Yes really."

Matt: "I don't think so." *picks up game boy*

Mello: "I swear to God Matt..."

Matt: "I'm not your bitch, I don't follow your every whim. If L comes back and wants me to, then I'll think about it."

*Mello attacks Matt*

Matt: "Mello! Give it back! Or at least save it before I die!"

Mello: "Nope. It's your turn..hey look L's back!"

Matt: "L! Tell Mello to give me my game back!"

L: "Matt you sound like you are six right now."

Matt: "Do not." *Pouts*

Mello: "Do too!"

Near: "Mello, you sound like you are six as well."

Mello: "Shut up Near! What the hell are you doing here anyways?"

*Matt laughs and Near shrugs.*

Mello: "So what song did you chose for Matt, L?"

L: "Left Behind."

Matt: "Wonderful."

*Mello laughs*

L: "Sorry Matt. Will you do it? Please?"

*Matt crosses his arms.* "Make Mello give me my game back first, or I swear to God I'll shoot him."

Mello: "You so wouldn't shoot me."

Matt: "Try me."

L: "Children! Matt shooting Mello is unnecessary. Mello give Matt his game back."

Mello: "Fine." *Sighs and hands game back.*

*Matt sticks out his tongue* "I win."

Mello: "What did I tell you about sticking your tongue out?"

Matt: "I don't remember."

L: "Matt if you would..."

Matt: "Oh, yeah."

* * *

I'm Mail Jeevas, aka Matt. Yes, I started off with a weird name so I gave myself a normal alias. Actually I came up with my alias from a book I was reading on the plane to England, but that's not important... *click click click*

Mello and L : "MATT!"

Matt: "Right, sorry."

*Near laughs*

Okay where was I? Oh yeah. Um, I'm from the U.S. I moved a lot because of my dad's job. He worked with the Auto Industry. Probably why I LOVE cars. I was born in Detroit, lived in New York, and a few other states. I traveled all over the place and mostly spent my childhood in upscale hotels.

My parent's died in a boating accident on Lake Huron while we were up in Tawas, Michigan visiting some relatives one summer. My father had no real family to speak of, so I was shuffled around my mother's side. There were a lot of them. My mother was Black Irish, and Catholic, which equals a MASSIVE family.

It's where I got my green eyes and skin tone. The aubrn hair is all my dad's fault.

By the way Black Irish doesn't mean she was black and Irish. It's actually like a race. They all have light eyes and black curly hair. Couple of different theories as to what exactly the mix is, but the most accepted it Spanish and Irish.

Dad was Native American and German? Scottish? French? I never really got a clear answer from him. All I know is he was pale with almost black eyes and auburn hair.

Okay, back to the story. Sorry I have major A.D.D. sometimes.

I really should be on meds for that.

Matt: "Okay, um...where was I?"

* * *

Near: "Talking about your parents dying and you being shuffled around."

Matt: "OH YEAH! Thanks Near!"

Near: "Not a problem."

Okay so when I was staying at an aunts (or rather one of my mother's second cousins) house, I was informed that I was way to smart to be there and she had a friend in England who had offered me a place at his home for gifted children. Before I knew it I was on a plane and at Wammy's house.

My first three months there I shared a room with Near. Then I got a new roommate, Mello. Mello became my best friend, despite his horrible attitude.

Mello: "Hey!"

Matt: "It's true."

Anyways, after I met Mello I started to get into a lot more trouble...He's a really bad influence on impressionable young minds.

Mello: "Matt!"

Matt: "It's true."

Time passed. We studied, got in to more trouble, I hacked in to the schools systems and was able to find L and used to i.m. him all the time...

Mello: "You never told me that!"

Matt: "Yeaaah. Sorry about that."

Mello: "No your not."

Matt: "Your right. I'm not."

Mello: "Sometimes I hate you Jeevas."

Matt: "You love me."

L: "Please continue Matt. Mello, please save the arguing for later."

Mello: "Fine."

Okay, yeah so Mello and I, um, became a couple when we got a little older. I guess Mello had always like guys, and me, well, I just liked Mello. He was like a drug. Bad for me but felt oh so good.

Mello: "I really don't know how to take that."

*Matt laughs.*

When we were fourteen we were told that L had died. By the way, I still haven't forgiven you for that L.

L: "I'm sorry Matt, it was not my choice. I assure you of this."

*Matt makes a noise at this*

Well Mello freaked out, like he does, and left. Leaving me behind. I was devastated. Mello and L were my whole world at this point, and I had lost them both.

I left not to long after that. There was nothing left for me at Wammy's house. Sorry Near.

Near: "It's okay."

I went back to America, not realising Mello was there too. I took jobs doing what I did best, hacking into systems. I was a minor still and couldn't get a job where people could actually see me. I did all my work from my computers in my little flat.

Thats how I ran into Mello again. He was working for the mob and I was too, kinda. Well I was taking jobs from the mob. Illegal jobs just pay way more then legal ones.

I also found out that Mello had been watching out for me the whole time, not trusting my A.D.D. self to not get killed by getting distracted by something shinny or some shit.

Matt: "Okay can I be done? I've said way more then Mello or Near and I really want to get back to my game."

* * *

L: "Yes, I suppose you can be done."

Mello: "Hey put up the lyrics for Left Behind first."

Matt: "Why?"

Mello: "Because I said so."

Matt: "What did I say about not being your bitch?"

Near: "Please Matt? I would like to read them."

*Sighs* "Fine, only because you never ask me for anything."

Mello: "What the fuck? You'll do it for Near but not for me?"

Matt: "Near asked, you commanded. You still get your way so stop bitching."

Mello: "You're so gonna get it tonight."

Matt: "Is that a promise?"

Mello: "No, a threat."

Matt: "I'll believe it when I see it. You know you can't resist my puppy dog eyes."

*L sighs, shaking his head at his successors.*

* * *

_Left behind_

_I've known_  
_Faces that have disappeared in time_  
_Find me wrapped in glass and slowly soaked in lime_  
_All my friends have pictures made to make you cry_  
_I've seen this and wondered_  
_What I've done to calcify... _

_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(I come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_  
_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(I come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_

_I can't stand to see_  
_Your thalidomide robot face_  
_Don't even try it!You had to be a liar just to_  
_Infiltrate me-I'm still drowning!_

_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(I come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_  
_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(i come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_

_Take this away_  
_Take this away_  
_I can feel it on my mouth_  
_I can taste you on my fingers_  
_I can hear you like the Holy Ghost_  
_And kill you if you get too close_

_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(I come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_  
_(I ignore you)_  
_As i close my eyes,_  
_I feel it all slipping away_  
_(I come towards you)_  
_We all got left behind,_  
_We let it all slip away_

_We let it all slip away (Repeated)4x_  
_We let it all slip,_  
_We let it all slip away_  
_Slip away(fading),(5x)_  
_(Faint Laughter)_

* * *

_**Hope you enjoyed! Also I am fixing the lyrics in Near's crack story because it's annoying me lol, even though I doubt any of you read them, which is fine. Please let me know if you want more :P Sorry this chapter took so long to write, I get distracted easily lol**_


End file.
